Dead Ferrets and Vodka
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Plotless AU Sokka strikes up a conversation with Haru. 'All the stuff you use on your hair is undoubtedly combustible.' 'I don't use anything on it.' 'The ferret wishes he could believe that. He's having problems with it.' Implied Harula and Sukki


Disclaimer: "My fandom has stupid, pretty hair."

(An: It has been so long since I wrote something purely stupid. I have recently been sucked into Irrel's AU comic (go read it NOW), and as it is only the second really good Zutara I've ever read, I knew I had to do something for it. Since I can't draw, this will have to do. This really just kind of plays with her universe. You don't need to have read the comic to understand it.)

"You know, I always thought you were gay."

Haru didn't look surprised; he just sipped his drink and didn't even pretend to be interested. "I know. It's the hair, right?"

Sokka nodded. He didn't even bother sipping; he downed half his beer in one drink. "It's just… the hair, you know?"

Haru's hand went to his topknot. "What's wrong with my hair?"

Sokka snorted. "It's girly."

"I like my hair."

"How much time do you spend on it every morning?"

Haru crossed his arms. "I'm not answering that."

Sokka smirked. "I rest my case."

"I'm not gay, I just like looking nice. As opposed to you."

Sokka stuck out his lower lip in a fake pout. "What? You have problems with the eyebrow piercings or the mohawk?"

"The mohawk. It looks like a ferret climbed on your head and died."

"Yours looks like a girl's, mine looks like a ferret. We all have our fashion problems."

"Yeah, but it doesn't just _look_ like a dead ferret, it smells like one too."

Sokka touched his forelock. "It's not dead. I feed it sometimes."

"There is such a thing as taking a joke too far. You just did it."

Sokka shrugged. "Eh, there's no accounting for taste… so you're dating Azula now? How'd that happen?"

Now it was Haru's turn to shrug. "If I knew, do you think I'd be sitting here wondering if my date was jailbait or not?"

"She isn't. But just barely."

"Goddam, that was close. I was worried for a moment."

"A moment?"

"If you had ever had sex with Azula, you'd know what I mean."

"Gross! Do you know how many times her mom babysat me? You would _not_ want to screw her if you'd seen her as a two-year-old. She's the Antichrist, I swear."

"Then I guess I'd better convert to Satanism."

"I'm just warning you, Haru," said Sokka, leaning back in his seat and taking another long draft of his beer (Sokka was obviously an introspective drunk). "You know, she's pure evil, and you're… you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, why do you think I let you hang out with Katara so much?" Sokka paused a moment. "Well, mostly it was because I thought you were gay, but still. You're too much of a nice boy."

"You know, Azula said the exact same thing before I-"

Sokka held up his hand, making a face. "Please, don't tell me. Ever… So did Azula say anything about Zuko?"

Haru cocked his head, looking at Sokka strangely.

"Hey, I'm not the sibling who's in love with him! I'm just asking because Katara would murder me if I said I'd talked to you and hadn't asked about him."

Haru shrugged. "From what I understand, they don't talk much. It's got something to do with her dad."

"So he's got no problem with his daughter bringing strange boys home, but he has issues with Zuko?"

"We went to my dorm, not her house. Ozai's creepy."

"You can say that again. Dating Azula is good with me- _very_ good with me- I just hope she never makes me talk to him. I'm always afraid he'll set me on fire or something."

"That's pretty plausible, actually," said Sokka, stroking his chin. "All the stuff you use on your hair is undoubtedly combustible."

"Now we're back to that! I don't use anything on it, honestly!"

"The ferret wishes he could believe that. He's having problems with it."

Haru made a face at him. "Speaking of Katara, how is she?"

Sokka grimaced and swallowed the rest of his drink.

"Ah, so she's still dating Jet?"

"Yep. You wouldn't believe the things I've caught them doing."

"Actually, I would. Jet always struck me as the kinky type. Although he says-"

"Again with the too much information thing!" cried Sokka, putting his hands over his ears. "It's bad enough I had to glimpse it. Now, at least, I don't have to. I can't stop them, though."

"And for that, both of them are undoubtedly grateful."

Sokka flapped a hand at him. "It's my little sister. I don't want to think about that."

"Well, how's your love life?"

This made Sokka signal the bartender for a shot of vodka. "What love life?" he said, looking at the glass.

"Do you mean you're _still_ single?" said Haru, looking surprised. "Ty Lee's totally into you. So is Suki, for that matter."

Sokka shrugged, looking uncomfortable; he always did whenever his coworker/occasional girlfriend was brought up. "Ty Lee will bang anything with a pulse, and Suki just slaps me all the time."

"That means she's into you! She likes it rough. I can show you the scars I got from her when we were dating."

Sokka looked vaguely squicked. "Please. Spare me." He looked down at his drink. "I'm going to regret this in the morning. I have class." Then he knocked back the shot. "It's just… I dunno, man." He sighed. "I've been having issues with the whole dating scene since Yue died."

"With all due respect, that was four years ago."

"Yeah, but… you know, she was the first girl I ever really gave a shit about. It's hard to forget."

"Ty Lee could probably help with that."

"She could probably help with giving me herpes, too, but I'm not really up for that."

"Good point, but still. You could do with getting laid."

Sokka rested his forehead on the bartop. "I can't deny that, unfortunately."

Haru clapped him on the back. "Because you know I'm right."

"Meh," Sokka replied. "Well, what about you and Miss Pretty Princess?"

"Before she left last night, she officially asked me out. She said, and I quote: 'Dinner. A movie. A quick fuck in the back of your car.'"

"You drive a motorcycle."

Haru smirked. "That's what I told her. She was pleased. She-"

"You are heading out of the safe harbors of 'I don't really care'. Don't run pell-mell into 'Sokka's grossed out' forest."

"But I've heard the view is beautiful."

"Don't believe everything you hear, pally."

"I believe that Suki screamed your name every time we-"

"That I'm actually interested in, but I'm still gonna tell you to stop. There are some things I don't want to know about her… yet."

"If she has her way, you won't not know them for much longer."

"Hey, I'm good with that. It's more interesting than anything I'd find out in college."

Haru tipped his beer- only half-finished- in Sokka's direction. "Amen to that, Sokka, amen to that."

(I haven't done anything that pointless in so long… it felt so good.)


End file.
